Saturday, September 19, 2009

P90X - Week 2 - Saturday

I had a great Kenpo workout today - 58 minutes and 362 calories. I wish I had a better surface to do this workout on. Carpet makes it tough to twist my feet, but I have to keep my sneakers on for the "breaks" (which are jogging in place, jumprope, jumping jacks and some X jump). I wonder if a plastic mat, like the kind you put under a rolling computer chair, would work?

I'm a little bit upset at myself right now. After dinner, I got it into my head that I wanted ice cream. I tried talking myself out of it, reminding myself that I already had one free evening this week, and I didn't need another. I tried distracting myself. I wasn't even hungry. But still, it nagged at me, and it was one of those nags that was constant, and only a bowl of real ice cream would do. Not a bite, not a low fat substitution but a bowl (probably 2 servings - 1 absolutely would not do) of honest to goodness ice cream. So I said, "Screw it!" I dished out a small bowl for my son and a bowl for myself. I sat down to take a bite and from the other side of the room, I hear my husband say, "God damn!" Those were his words, but what I heard in my head was, "God damn, you pig!" My husband would never in a million years say that to me, but in my guilt, that is what I heard. So I stomped off and put the ice cream back in the carton. I am irrationally hurt by this, and it's really bothering me. When I'm angry, I want to binge. I really want that freaking ice cream, but now I feel like big fat pig because I do. And I feel like that ALL THE TIME, no matter what food choices I'm making. I don't even think I can explain it. If I buy red meat, I feel guilty. If I buy Fiber One products, I feel guilty. I should not have to freaking feel guilty for my food choices, just because they aren't raw or vegan or vegetarian or low fat or low carb. None of those are right for me but I feel like my choices aren't good enough for others and that's ridiculous!!!! I'm not doing this for anyone but myself. So why do I feel like I have to fall in line with everyone else's way of thinking?

I'm stressing over food a lot, quality and quantity. I really, really want to shed some fat and all the exercise in the world won't do it if I don't keep my diet in check. I know I can (and will) have treats now and then. My anniversary is Friday and we're planning on going out for dinner. I'm going to have some of those hush puppies that set me off the other night, for sure. I also know that I walk a very thin line in terms of stopping a binge. My biggest fear is letting one or two treats make me sloppy. Before starting P90X, I was sloppy. I ate whatever I wanted, though I did keep the portion sizes reasonable. I also ate a lot of things that weren't exactly good for me, and that is probably why I only lost half a pound in 8 weeks. It was fine for maintenance (which is what I was going for) but weight loss is a different beast.

I hit my calorie range for the day, but carbs and fat were over and protein was under goal. And my numbers do no reflect that small bite of ice cream. I still want that ice cream, damn it, but I've already brushed my teeth and taken my sleeping pill. I'm just irritated as hell right now and it's best for everyone if I just go to bed.

8:25 AM - apple & cottage cheese

10:40 AM - Special K Protein Plus cereal w/ skim milk

12:55 PM - tuna salad w/ onion, romaine lettuce & light balsamic vinaigrette dressing

1:30 PM - shrimp dip (canned shrimp, mustard & light mayonnaise) on rice cakes

4:15 PM - pork ribs w/ homemade General Tso's sauce, vegetable risotto

Four cups of coffee and 80 ounces of water.

Calories - 1436
Carbs - 141 (14 fiber)
Protein - 129
Fat - 44
C/P/F Ratio - 38.3/35/26.7


Mel said...

Wow Becky. I don't even know what to say to that. You do so well and you help other people make better choices in their lives. I understand it's not as easy as saying it but I hope your night's sleep helps snack you back to reality and it was just a bad moment. You should never feel that way. You have to be able to enjoy life and sometimes a bowl of ice cream is enjoying life. Stop and smell the roses. Or eat the ice cream. You are most certainly NOT a fat pig. Not even remotely.

Becky said...

Thanks, Melissa. This craziness doesn't happen to me often but when it does, it just pisses me off even more, because I know better! I have such a hard time practicing what I preach sometimes and I feel like a hypocrite.

Jess said...

Matt rarely ever says anything to me but when it does, it just sets me over the edge like nothing else. He's never mean about it but it's just something about when your partner says things that it hurts that much worse.

I think you are EXTREMELY disciplined. There's no way in hell I could ever eat as clean as you do or as balanced. You are your own worst critic, hon. But I know how that goes too. the ice cream! :)

Fit Mama said...

I have a hard time with food too. Like you say, all the exercise in the world won't do a thing with a sloppy diet... I'm such an emotional eater. And I have so many emotions, it's a never-ending cycle!