Sunday, April 17, 2011

Insanity - Week 3 - Sunday - Rest Day

I don't even know what to say. I am so tired of this roller coaster. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I've been actively fighting this binge monster for almost three years and I'm getting nowhere. I'm not giving up, not by a long shot, but I am extremely frustrated. It's clear that I can't handle this bullshit on my own. I don't have enough accountability. I'm too lazy to things right. I know how to eat. I know how to exercise. I've researched this shit to death and I can apply it 70% of the time, but that 30% is what's messing me up.

I don't know what I need to get control of this. Therapy? What the hell could I possibly have to say to a therapist that will help? Talk about my childhood? I had it far better than a lot of kids. Self esteem issues? If you're my Facebook friend, you know there's no lack of self esteem anymore. Self sabotage? I can't think of a single reason for that. I'm really good at self-analyzing. And I can honestly say I have found no psychological reason for my lack of control. I can blame it on lack of planning and being lazy sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. But even that doesn't account for times like this weekend.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of not knowing what to do. It makes me angry. And I'm an angry eater.

1 comment:

Jess said...

We eat like this because we're seeking out something else. That something else is different for every person. With me, I do it mainly because it makes me happy. But in doing so, I miss out on other things in my life that could make me just as happy i.e. playing with my kids, reading a good book, etc. My emotional eating has gotten so bad that I am having a hard time feeling anything right now (anger, sadness, happiness) because anytime I start feeling one of those feelings, I eat something so I don't have to feel. I know that you're Agnostic but the book I mentioned on my blog a few weeks ago is extremely enlightening and you might get something out of it - Women, Food, and God. It's actually okay to feel...whether it's anger, happiness, jealousy...whatever). If you are interested in taking a peek, let me know and I'll mail it to you. If not, then feel free to tell me to shove my BS and type some obscenities at me if it makes you feel better, LOL.