Sunday, March 1, 2009

ChaLean Extreme - Week 4 - Sunday

Weigh in day. I'm mad. Really mad. All that hard work this month for 2 lousy fucking pounds. And right now, I have two choices: stuff my face out of anger or eat egg whites and tuna for the rest of my damn life. Fucking hell, I'm so mad. I don't want to hear that 2 pounds is good, or that I've lost inches, and all that other encouraging bullshit because I just don't want to hear it. It will just piss me off more because I know 2 pounds is good and that I've worked my ass off this month and I got jack fucking squat to show for it, other than 2 pounds that will probably be back next week. So please, no comments/messages on this. I can't deal with it today. I'm only posting because I'm anal about consistency.

Oh wait, looking back at my records, on March 9, 2008, I weighed 146 pounds. So in 1 year, I have lost 4.5 pounds. Wonderful.

I should probably not be so upset about this. I've come a long way. I'm not thrilled that it has taken me over 2 years to get 2/3 of the way to goal, and the screw ups along the way piss me off more than I can even put into words. But I have still lost almost 50 pounds in the last 26 months. Fuck, though, it took me 7 months to lose 50 pounds back in 2003. Of course, I was going Atkins (part of the time even low calorie Atkins) and not exercising. I know I've added a few pounds of muscle in the last 18 months of weight lifting, but not many. I've been chatting with my girls about posting pictures and I think maybe I need to do that, no matter how embarrassing it might be. The only real before pics, I'm in underwear and a bra (and one in a bathing suit). My durings are shorts and a sports bra, so I would not be weird about posting those. Maybe I should put on that old bathing suit and post a then and now shot. It might slap some sense into me to have that out there because right now I feel a tad stupid for not appreciating how far I've come. But damn, I want this weight off. How badly do I want it? Enough to starve myself? Enough to restrict carbs? Enough to resort to pills? No. There is no doubt in my mind that any of those options will lead to weight gain. Doing what I do now is the only way I can handle binges. I'm making homemade pizza for dinner tonight. If I tell myself I can't have pizza, I'll get mad and eat the whole thing, then who knows where that will lead. I have 6 or 7 big (11-14 oz) bags of M&Ms in my freezer. I bought them on purpose. Plus, there's that little bag, still begging for a plan. M&Ms can never be spontaneous, but I'm not going to never eat them again.

So maybe I don't want the weight off badly enough? I don't know. I just don't know. The sensible thing to do would be to keep doing things exactly the way I am, but I know damn well I'm going to find little ways to cut calories here or burn calories there. It's going to make me crazy. Jeez, you'd think I am PMSing, but I'm not!

7:30 AM - coffee w/ half-and-half & Splenda

10:30 AM - Banana Nut Cheerios w/ skim milk & banana; Is it redundant to put sliced banana in Banana Nut Cheerios? Also, note how long it took me to eat breakfast. Self-sabotage, anyone?

Ugh, it's 3 PM and I feel so sick, I'm just going to bed. I think I'm getting the flu. I'm freezing and my skin hurts. I'll put the rest of today's updates in tomorrow's post.

1 comment:

Jess said...

I think the pictures would help you put things into perspective. Knowing you, I'm sure you have a pair of your biggest pants too so when you take pics, hop into those and pull them out and do a front and side pic.

Sorry you're getting sick. BTDT. Hope you get to feeling better and that it doesn't last for long.