Wednesday, August 27, 2008

NROL - Week 4 - Wednesday

I am an emotional wreck today. My four year old, who has never spent more than a few hours away from me and only two hours away from a parent, started preschool today. After I dropped him off, I went to the store to buy him a treat for after school. He loves Dibs (the ice cream) and Food Lion had them on sale. I bought 2 cartons. I was so tempted to just eat them all in my car, right there in the parking lot. But I didn't. I drove home, and divided the Dibs into little snack cups. I wanted to eat them all right there in the kitchen. But I didn't. I stuck all the snack cups in the freezer. Then, I couldnt' decide whether or not I was going to do some cardio. I really planned on not doing it, because I wanted to wallow in my sorrow. Then I was going to do it. Then I was just going to use the Wii. Then I figured I would be mad at myself if I didn't do real exercise. (Not that the Wii Fit/Sports isn't real exercise - you get out what you put in with that, and some of the activities, I just can't really get into, and I certainly never feel as active as I do when I'm doing other things.) Then I decided not to work out at all. But I did! I did the Tae Bo Cardio Circuit 1 again. I actually practiced those moves a bit that were giving me trouble last time. I think if I just keep practicing, I'll get them all down. When all was said and done, I was glad I worked out. It distracted me from missing my baby and, of course, I got some exercise.

It's going to take me a while to get used to a new schedule. Unless I get up at 5 AM, I have to save my workouts until after I drop my son off at school. I should be getting home by 8 AM, which isn't bad. I wanted to have my days free to do whatever, but I really don't have anything to do anyway. So, I guess there won't be any getting up at 5 AM.

Today is rough. I want to eat - not necessarily junk food, but I want to eat. There are 3 pumpkin muffins left. There's a big bowl of brown rice. I could easily eat all that. I wouldn't consider that a binge - just overeating. But I worry that overeating will trigger a binge. There is ice cream in the freezer, after all. What if I eat that rice and think, "Screw it! I've already blown it, might as well eat all this ice cream." That's the kind of thing I worry about if I just eat too much of something decent. Of course, that is something I'm going to need to learn to handle.

Ok, I burned dinner and I'm really freaking mad. In all the after school excitement, I wasn't paying attention. I cut up some beef to make a chili and it burned. It's something I can eat some other time, but not something I'm willing to serve to anyone else. So now I'm angry and hungry as hell because I forgot to have a snack with my son.

6:45 AM - homemade protein shake

10:45 AM - tuna fish on whole wheat roll; eaten on couch; not satisfying at all

11:30 AM - coffee w/ cream & Splenda

2:00 PM - apple w/ peanut butter; eaten at desk; I didn't want a full meal because I want to have a snack with my son when he gets home from school

5:45 PM - mozzarella sticks; I scarfed these down in the kitchen while trying to figure out what the heck to eat for dinner

6:00 PM - brown rice, top round steak, cheese hot dog, carrot; eaten at desk; I ate some of the meat I burned earlier as well as the rest of my son's dinner - I didn't want it to go to waste but I still feel guilty for eating it. I could have put it in a bowl for him to eat later but I'm just too cranky to deal with that.

8:30 PM - pumpkin carrot muffin

Calories - 1728
Carbs - 135 (15 fiber)
Protein - 129
Fat - 75
C/P/F Ratio - 31.1/29.9/38.9


Hayley said...

I am so inspired by you and the fact that you write down everything you're feeling and you're so completely honest with your thoughts. Wanting to eat for those reasons (at least to me!) is so totally normal, but what's most important (as angry as you may feel about not being able to) is that you didn't eat!! I know when I struggle with wanting to do some emotional eating I feel so pissed off...angry that it's like I CAN'T have what I want, even though I know it's not really going to make me feel better.

I love your blog and you really need to give yourself more credit. You're making huge progress...

Becky said...

Thanks, Hayley! Sometimes I wonder if I should just shut up, but I really think blogging all the boring details is helping me keep focused. It's almost as if I can't mess up because I have to report it, and I don't want people to see me mess up! I know, in the end, I have to do this for me, and not care what others ultimately think. For now, being accountable to someone is helping.