Saturday, October 11, 2008

NROL - Week 10 - Saturday

I am going to confess what is going on with me. It might upset some people reading my blog here, because I have no idea where you guys stand on these things. But it might help me if I can stop being so damn cryptic and really focus on my struggles. It might also be TMI.

Since the birth of my son 4 years ago, I've had a Paragard IUD. I found out Monday that I'm pregnant despite the IUD still being in place. These things are supposed to be super effective (over 99%) and even though only abstinence is 100%, the odds of getting pregnant were pretty slim. I've been so paranoid about getting pregnant, I rarely have sex with my husband. My ability to parent is pretty crappy. Don't get me wrong - I love my son more than anything, but I just don't have the energy and patience to start over with another baby. Plus, we absolutely cannot afford another child. We have no room for a baby, I gave all the baby stuff away, and I have to find a job as soon as possible because of my student loan bills.

With an IUD, there's a slightly higher chance of an ectopic pregnancy. I'm not experiencing any symptoms of that, at about 6 weeks, so that's good. We don't have insurance so the last thing I need is emergency surgery. The chances of a miscarriage with immediate IUD removal are about 25%. If the IUD is left in, the odds go up to 50%. Given the odds and our inability to raise another child, we've decided not to continue with the pregnancy. My husband and I are very pro-choice and it wasn't a hard decision.

What is hard is the waiting. The first available appointment with Planned Parenthood isn't until this coming Wednesday, and it's 2 hours away. My husband is able to go with me for the initial consultation, but I'll have to go back by myself for the follow ups. So, knowing I'll be alone for this is really stressing me out. In addition, there are the normal pregnancy issues to deal with - cravings, food aversions (I am so sick of chicken!!!), hunger, nausea, heartburn, lack of energy, being an emotional wreck. I'm struggling with my body, which tells me to eat, and my emotions, which want me to stay on track because of our decision. But it's hard to be business as usual when you're all alone in this. We haven't told anyone, really. Certainly no family. Just a few of my online friends. My husband forgets that I'm overly sensitive right now so he continues to be his insensitive self. And when I'm upset, I want to eat. It's just frustrating all around.

9:00 AM - graham cracker w/ whipped topping; I made some "ice cream sandwiches" for my son and he didn't want the whole thing, so I ate the rest of it. I'm so tired of that kid wasting food but he's only 4. I don't usually eat his leftovers but I hadn't eaten yet and quite frankly, I've been pretty well behaved when it comes to food this week and it's okay if I slip once or twice.

9:15 AM - coffee w/ cream & Splenda

10:55 AM - toast w/ butter, cottage cheese

12:30 PM - graham cracker w/ whipped topping

1:45 PM - steak

3:45 PM - graham cracker w/ whipped topping; I feel really guilty for eating these

4:20 PM - Smorz cereal; I've obviously given in, and I've stopped logging in my tracker

4:50 PM - Smorz cereal

5:40 PM - Chinese food; it tasted weird and I couldn't eat all of it.

I also had a few Cheese Its, more of my Chinese food, and more graham crackers & whipped topping.

I'm not feeling well at all and now I've got guilt. I am completely disgusted with myself.


JOY said...

Ah Becky I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This has always been my fear. I don't want kids and I know just for that reason, I will be the 1% and I would have to go through exactly what you're going through.

You are doing the right thing. You need to keep reminding yourself of that.

Tomorrow is a new day. Keep feeding yourself good food to keep you strong. I'm sure you'll need time to recover and your body will get through it much easier and faster if you're eating healthy.

Keep your head up! It was sooo brave of you to blog about. I'm sure that will help with your mental recovery. Do some good things for yourself and stay positive. Don't let your husband get you down.

I'm sending you good thoughts for a better Sunday!

Becky said...

Thank you so much, Joy. You're right - putting it out there has helped me. After I wrote everything up, I felt free to give in. Yes, I felt guilty last night, but looking back, I feel like it's out of my system and I'm almost feeling normal today.

Hayley said...

I am so proud of you for writing about what's going on and I admire you for had to be so hard keeping something like that inside. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now, but it's so awesome that you're not letting your surroundings affect your eating. You are doing such an awesome job of that. I agree with Joy, just focus on eating well to stay strong and eventually things will happen. Waiting sucks for sure and I really hope your husband is being supportive through all this.

Take care of have lots of support on here!! :)