Thursday, July 24, 2008

Finding out I'm not alone is depressing.

I posted this in my MySpace blog last night, but I think it needs to go in my food & fitness blog, too.

It's been about a year since I started Body For Life and the last six or seven months have been absolutely brutal. I got down quite a bit, then completely went off plan, eating whatever crap got close to my black hole of a mouth. In A Brief History of Time, Stephen Hawking describes objects in the vicinity of a black hole being stretched like spaghetti as they get closer and closer. Hello, carbs. My lips are the event horizon. As mass is added to a black hole, it gets bigger. Meet my ass.

I've finally started to consider that this inability to control myself is something more than just a mere lack of willpower that I can magically overcome. I got a little bit of courage and posted on one of my boards, just asking for resources to check into binge eating and food addiction a bit. I was given two places to look on my muscle boards and I'm reading there now.

Here are people who appear to have it all together, people who are inspirational and have worked hard to get where they are, physically. Reading their posts in the food addiction thread is like swimming in my own head. I can relate to every single post and it's conflicting. On the one hand, I'm so relieved to know there are others who understand. On the other, it hurts to have to face this about myself. I wish I were an octopus so I could throw in another hand here - it gives me hope that there's a way to deal with this.

And there is. Unfortunately, it's not a very appealing solution. Erik, the trainer on this particular board, equates food addiction to alcoholism, and most of us are just going to have to abstain from our trigger foods. I've known this all along, but haven't wanted to accept it. When I avoid my triggers, I am on fire! But once I have that first cookie or piece of candy, it is all over.

I've ordered the book Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn. I love that Amazon sells used books and I had a gift card. Hopefully, it will help me. A lot of people have recommended it.

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