DVD Winner and Break Week Ramblings

One thing I have learned during this horrible, horrible episode of binge eating is that no, I can't keep junk food in the house. I used to be able to but not any more. I've been in denial. I kept telling myself that it didn't matter if we had it in the house, I would go get something. But really, that's not the case 95% of the time. The things I ate this week, I ate because they were there. So no more. I won't be keeping ice cream and chips (not really a big trigger for me) and candy in the house. I do want to keep pretzels because my son likes them, and I don't think they are horrible. It's the sugar that gets me. I have to get rid of the Cheerios, too. I can't keep those in the house. Cheerios are a weakness.

I managed Meatless Monday just fine, and for the first time in 6 months, I was not starving all day. I know my fat was higher but even before that, I had no appetite. I had quite a bit of produce that I needed to eat (before we left for our trip) and I was just not hungry.

I've been doing some investigating into my blood glucose levels. So far, there's nothing alarming, but I have borderline high readings at times. I will continue to monitor this until my test strips are gone (I bought 100).

More investigating regarding rosacea. I've known forever that I have it. I have never been officially diagnosed because I'm not wasting money on a doctor just to tell me that. That also means I can't get prescription medicine, too. Anyway, I was reading up on it, regarding trigger foods. I have had the book, The Rosacea Diet by Barry something-or-other (I'm too lazy to go look) and it's a low carb diet. Not Atkins low but lower than I like. I do know of many low carbers whose skin does improve on Atkins. That aside, the list of possible trigger foods for rosacea makes me sad:

• dairy including yogurt, sour cream, cheese (except cottage cheese);
• alcohol including red wine, beer, vodka, gin, bourbon, and champagne;
• chocolate;
• soy sauce;
• yeast extract;
• eggplants, avocados, spinach;
• some beans and pods, including lima, navy or peas;
• citrus fruits, including tomatoes, bananas, red plums, raisins, or figs;
• spicy and temperature hot foods.

However, seeing chocolate on there might be more motivation for me to give it up. I know that my symptoms (mostly the cyst-like bumps) are worse the more junk I eat.

The rest of my break week was pretty terrible. I was constantly on the go, shopping and prepping for my step-daughter's graduation & party. I didn't get any decent exercise, unless one counts falling on my ass playing badminton exercise. I'm not talking about a slip. I'm talking full run, my feet fly out from under me because I was wearing flip flops on wet grass, feet to the sky, ass to grass fall. Thank goodness only the 3 boys playing the game with me saw what happened. I'm fine but it was enough to end the game for me. I ate terribly but I did pass on the many bags of chips my mother-in-law wanted to send home with me. "But they are made with whole grains. They are healthy!"

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. Who won the Jillian Michaels Banish Fat Boost Metabolism. This lucky person commented on my Blogger post. Congratulations to Kate&Ro! Please contact me with your info.

This makes no sense.

There is junk food in my house, but since the Great M&M Binge of '08, I've been clean for 2 days - no junk at all. My sweet husband even bought himself some chocolate covered peanut clusters but didn't want to eat them in front of me. I told him it was fine, because I wasn't interested in having any. And I wasn't! He ate them and I barely paid attention.

So what is the difference between the last two days and the days I've struggled? There's something (something beyond my cycle because even though it was that time, binges happen even when I'm not). I have to figure it out.

Finding out I'm not alone is depressing.

I posted this in my MySpace blog last night, but I think it needs to go in my food & fitness blog, too.

It's been about a year since I started Body For Life and the last six or seven months have been absolutely brutal. I got down quite a bit, then completely went off plan, eating whatever crap got close to my black hole of a mouth. In A Brief History of Time, Stephen Hawking describes objects in the vicinity of a black hole being stretched like spaghetti as they get closer and closer. Hello, carbs. My lips are the event horizon. As mass is added to a black hole, it gets bigger. Meet my ass.

I've finally started to consider that this inability to control myself is something more than just a mere lack of willpower that I can magically overcome. I got a little bit of courage and posted on one of my boards, just asking for resources to check into binge eating and food addiction a bit. I was given two places to look on my muscle boards and I'm reading there now.

Here are people who appear to have it all together, people who are inspirational and have worked hard to get where they are, physically. Reading their posts in the food addiction thread is like swimming in my own head. I can relate to every single post and it's conflicting. On the one hand, I'm so relieved to know there are others who understand. On the other, it hurts to have to face this about myself. I wish I were an octopus so I could throw in another hand here - it gives me hope that there's a way to deal with this.

And there is. Unfortunately, it's not a very appealing solution. Erik, the trainer on this particular board, equates food addiction to alcoholism, and most of us are just going to have to abstain from our trigger foods. I've known this all along, but haven't wanted to accept it. When I avoid my triggers, I am on fire! But once I have that first cookie or piece of candy, it is all over.

I've ordered the book Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn. I love that Amazon sells used books and I had a gift card. Hopefully, it will help me. A lot of people have recommended it.

Food Addiction

I'm still reading up on food addiction. I really need to get some real books, rather than relying on second hand information, even when it's from people I trust.

A discussion on one board I belong to has a post by the trainer, and it's something I've known all along, but have been unable to commit to.

According to what I've read, you need to remove the trigger foods completely. You can't have just a little ...

It's just like an alcoholic. Having just one drink is risky.

So, just like that, I can never have sweets again. The thought is terrifying. It sets me up to fail. I always want what I can't have. The logical thing to do would be learn to control the urges, right? Can they really be controlled? I'm tired of this roller coaster but I don't know how to slow down, stop, and get off.

Who eats half a pound of M&Ms in one afternoon?

I do.

And I think I hit rock bottom today. I am completely disgusted with myself. I haven't worked out at all this week. I got my Wii Fit yesterday and I'm borderline obese. One more pound (which I have surely gained from the M&Ms) would probably put me back in that category. My weight, if I recall correctly (I was trying not to notice) was 161 or something hideous. My Wii Fit age is 47. I'm 33 years old.

Over the last few days, I've been reading stories of food addiction. I can relate to some of it, and I think I'm on to something, but then I tell myself, "oh you just don't want it badly enough" or "you just lack willpower" in an attempt to keep something from being wrong with me., or some underlying issue. I don't want to blame anything other than myself. I want it to be something I can fix on my own. Seeking professional help is not an option right now. There are a ton of other health related issues that would take priority.

So what am I going to do about it? Good freaking question.