Week 1

Week 1 of...who fucking knows. My plan is to stick to this lifting program for 15 weeks, then decide what I want to do next. I would love, love, love to do The Bigness Project but it's hellacious. Like the workouts in Phase 2 are well over an hour long and five times a week. I don't know if I have time for that. Well, I do. I just don't know if I have the motivation for it. The three days a week I have now are perfect. My workouts are in the mornings of my days off, or on a day I go into work late. And I mostly have the place to myself so I can play my music while I workout, and there's no one here to say, "Oh, that looks hard as hell." Yes, fucker, it is hard, shut up and eat your pint of ice cream.

I put together three full-body workouts and now that the first week is behind me, I am pretty damn pleased with it. It's challenging, it gets my heart rate up, and I feel like I've worked hard when I'm done. I don't leave anything behind. I don't half-ass it. I love it. I'm not going to put it all here - you can find me on MyFitnessPal and view My Diary.

Food has been okay-ish. I've cut way back on the coffee creamer and use mostly unsweetened coconut milk. It's not great but it doesn't suck so I can deal with it. I may treat myself to creamer-only on Sundays, since I don't really drink a lot of coffee on Sundays.

I'm still struggling with the fear of food. That is never going away. I don't want to eat anything "bad" because it will trigger a binge. At the same time, I'm resentful that I can't eat whatever I want. Well, I could, but then I would continue to be a fat fuck. Ugh. My body likes to be a fat fuck.